So I saw on Facebook that you'd seen 50 Shades of Grey, and two things really hit home for me. Firstly, that you're really, really grown up now, which freaks me out a tiny bit cos I totally remember being on holiday in France and your mum being pregnant with you. I also thought about how much shit there is online at the moment relating to 50 Shades of Grey and whether it's abusive or not, but that's not what I want to go into now really, or at least not just that. More so, it made me think about sex, and how I wish there were certain things that someone had told me when I was your age. Soz if this is weird, or if it grosses you out, and I know you can find all this online anyway, but I wanted you to be able to hear it from someone that you know won't bullshit you, and someone that you know really, really loves you. Obviously there is plenty that I don't know, and plenty that you do, so I've tried to leave out the 'Don't do it till you're ready' stuff, because you know that and you're not stupid. I've tried to think of the random things I wish someone had told me, or things I've other people have told me they wish they'd known.
So, here we go. I apologise now if you can never look me in the eye again.
1 - There's no such actual thing as virginity. Loosing your virginity in terms of a penis entering the vagina is a flawed idea. It doesn't take into account gay sex, alongside a whole lode of other kinds of sex. And anyway, at what point does it count? As soon as the penis enters? Five thrusts? When you both cum? Whether or not you've had a penis in your vagina is objective, but whether or not you are a 'virgin' is something you get to decide.
2 -Whilst we're on the subject - you probably won't bleed the first time you have sex. You might never bleed, or it might be years later. The idea that you bleed comes from the idea that having sex for the first time breaks your hymen, which just isn't true, and anyway, the chances are your hymen is already broken from horse riding, gymnastic or whatever. If you do bleed, it might be that, or it might be because the penetration is deeper or at a different angle to what you've had before, or it might be that you're not aroused enough for your vagina to have lubricated itself. None of these are cause for concern, as long as its only a little bleeding, it doesn't last, and you're not in pain.
3 - If you're turned on enough, sex won't hurt the first time, or any time, unless you have a medical issue such as a tilted uterus. When you're aroused, your vagina lubricates itself and the muscles relax. If it hurts, slow down and go back to foreplay.
4 - Always, always go for a wee after sex, whether you used a condom or not. I know it might break the mood, but going to the toilet cleans everything out, and helps prevent cystitis, which let me tell you is more than a massive mood killer, it's fucking painful.
5 - Keep loo roll or tissue by the bed. Otherwise, you have to do the awkward waddle to the bathroom whilst squeezing your thighs together to try and stop everything running down your legs. Sorry, gravity's fault, not mine.
6 -Blue balls is not a medical condition. If a boy tells you he's so turned on he needs to have sex because his balls hurt, he is full of shit. Tell him to go have a wank, and then leave, because he's manipulating you into having sex.
7 - There is never, ever a time when you have to have sex with someone, or have to carry on having sex with someone. If he's been nice to you, if he's sad, if it's his birthday, if you've started and you changed your mind, you can say stop. If you say stop and he doesn't, it's rape, even if you wanted to at first.
8 - Please, please don't send nudes. I don't care how much you trust him or how much he loves you, it will bite you in the ass. People steal each other's phones, people get hacked. I know so many people who have been fucked over by this, don't let it be you.
9 - Shaving your pubes is a terrible, terrible idea. Pubic hair regrowth is the seventh circle of hell. Trim with scissors, wax, use hair removal cream if you have to, or just don't - I've never met a man who didn't want to have sex with a girl because she had pubes. Some guys actively like it. Either way, what you do or don't do with your hair is your choice, and if he complains, it's because he's an immature little boy who thinks porn is how sex is in real life.
10 - Porn is not how sex is in real life.
11 - People lie about sex, all the time. They say they have when they haven't, they say they haven't when they have. It doesn't really matter, because other people's sex lives shouldn't affect yours.
12 - Having sex when you don't will make you feel like shit, and it does matter, even if it's your boyfriend. It is not easier just to go along with it for an easy life, because you will lose respect for yourself, and that's worse.
13 - Use your hands as well as your mouth when giving a blow job. It will make everyones life approx. a million years easier.
14 - If a boy won't go down on you but expects you to go down on him, he is a royal twat and you can do better. A man who really loves you will worship your vagina.
15 - Don't leave getting condoms up to him. Yes it's nice for him to sort it, but take responsibility for yourself and be prepared. Condoms are also only 90% effective when being used properly, so I'd recommend using something else if you can (not the withdrawal method, ever. There's plenty of semen in precum).
16 - If you're mature enough to be having sex, you're mature enough to talk about having sex. That means with your partner, with your doctor, and with your parents. It also means you need to be mature about who else you tell - be careful with people who will be careless with information about you, or your partner. Take it from me - your mum would always, always rather you spoke to her about sex than didn't. After the first couple of times, it won't be weird, because your mum is rad.
17 - Talking about sex with your parter is the best way to have better sex. Talk about what you like, and what you don't. Ask him what he likes, and what he doesn't. Everyone is different, and what one person loves, another person might hate.
18 - Your sexual preferences are not static. Just because you used to enjoy something does not mean you have to do it again. You can start liking something you used to not want. This also goes for the people you're attracted to. You can be straight for a while, then gay, then straight again. No-one can decide what you are but you. You also don't get to decide what anyone else is.
19 - The goal of sex is not for the boy to cum. If he does, and you want to carry on, tell him. If he doesn't, he's a moron and you can do better. Also, please don't feel the pressure to cum yourself. A lot of women find it very hard to orgasm through penetrative sex, and a lot of it is psychological - the more pressure you put on yourself to do it, the harder it is, like when you're trying to fall asleep. Don't focus on orgasm, for either of you - focus on giving and receiving pleasure, which can be anything from a hair stroke upwards. Intimacy can be incredible fulfilling without anyone having an orgasm.
20 - Your vagina is not ugly. Whether the lips are inside, out, long, short, etc., your vagina is normal.
21 - At some point, you will queef. This isn't your fault, it's when the penis leaves the vagina further than usual (allowing air to get in). The noise is when the air leaves your vagina, either because the penis re-enters you, or because you moved. You can ignore it, or laugh it off - again, any man who is weird about it clearly knows nothing about sex. Explain it to him with diagrams.
22 - If a someone fingers you with dirty fingernails, the chances are you will get an infection. Hygiene is important before, and after sex.
23 - Be careful not to criticise girls for things you wouldn't criticise a boy for. Don't call someone a slut, or frigid. When you put one girl down for what she does or doesn't do sexually, you put us all down, because you're saying that her sexuality has a bearing on how worthwhile she is as a person. This is not true. Someone can have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, and be a wonderful, kind, intelligent person. (Sometimes without realising it) Boys call girls sluts to put us down and to make us feel like we can't do the things they can. Don't be complicit in that.
24 - If a boy does anything you don't like, it's not sexy, it's abuse. If you want to have a BDSM relationship, that's cool, but be aware that that's not what 50 Shades of Grey is. If you use a safe word, and he doesn't stop, it's rape. If he sells your car without telling you, it's not romantic, it's controlling. You're intelligent - please see that just because you give a scene in a film a good sound track, it's not necessarily a romantic or desirable relationship.
25 - Sorry, I know I wouldn't say it, but - please just don't do anything until you're ready. You have the whole of your life, and I do believe it's better when it's with someone you love, who loves you back.
I love you lots xxx
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