This has been a pretty stressful year. I went to uni, dropped out of uni, my family got stranded on the other side of the planet, I had my drink spiked, I’ve been robbed, I got really actually ill and had to stay in hospital for like, a month, and then I went back to university. I’m definitely due some good karma!! But this, this is not a post of self pity, this is a post of ‘fuck you life, you don’t win!’. Nolite te basdardes carborundorum and all that.
Around Easter, I was pretty damn stressed. I was lonely and bored after leaving university, I’d just broken up with someone, I was stuck in a dead end job I hated and I had no idea where I was going in life. Generally speaking, I’m a very ‘whatever’ kind of person, to a fault, but there was just so much going on, and seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel, it really started to get to me. I was miserable. And that misery continued for quite a while – not helped by my getting ill obviously. I wallowed basically, wallowed in self pity and apathy and sadness. At the time, there wasn’t actually anything practical I could do to improve my situation, and I despaired.
There wasn’t any special moment, an epiphany or revelation. The realisation came very gradually, with the faithful love of a lot of special people in my life – friends and family. There wasn’t anything I could do about my situation, except to accept it and deal. And no, of course it isn’t that easy. You can’t just stand up and say “I accept my life as it is, I am happy”, it doesn’t work that way. But I stumbled across a little phrase that really meant something to me.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. That doesn’t mean it won’t be long, and painful, and a lot of hard work. But it won’t last forever. It will pass, and things will get better. And that was enough for me to be able to pick myself and carry on, or at least drag myself on. I realised how supportive the people around me had been, and how lucky I was to have that. I realised that I had the rest of my life ahead of me, to do whatever I wanted to do. I realised that holding onto the dark times wasn’t going to help anybody. I realised, that I should, for a while, just not give a shit.
So when my boss was whining at me for something that wasn’t my fault, I tried not to give a shit. When I was lonely and wanted a cuddle, I tried not to give a shit (pets are helpful for this one too). When I was too poor to visit the friends I missed like hell, I tried not to give a shit. Because while ever you’re putting your energy into being miserable, you can’t put that energy into anything positive. I’ll say that again – while ever you’re putting energy into being miserable, you aren’t putting energy into being happy.. If those thoughts make you sad, they aren’t worth your time. Sometimes you have to do stuff you don’t like, but you can always help your mental attitude towards it. And usually, you only have to do things you don’t like to give yourself the opportunity to do something you do want. And even if nothing good is going to come of it? Fuck it. Hating on it will not achieve anything. My friend, let it be, and stop giving a shit.