Monday, 23 February 2015

25 Things I Wish I'd Been Told About Sex (An open letter to my 13 year old cousin)

Hey babe.

So I saw on Facebook that you'd seen 50 Shades of Grey, and two things really hit home for me. Firstly, that you're really, really grown up now, which freaks me out a tiny bit cos I totally remember being on holiday in France and your mum being pregnant with you. I also thought about how much shit there is online at the moment relating to 50 Shades of Grey and whether it's abusive or not, but that's not what I want to go into now really, or at least not just that. More so, it made me think about sex, and how I wish there were certain things that someone had told me when I was your age. Soz if this is weird, or if it grosses you out, and I know you can find all this online anyway, but I wanted you to be able to hear it from someone that you know won't bullshit you, and someone that you know really, really loves you. Obviously there is plenty that I don't know, and plenty that you do, so I've tried to leave out the 'Don't do it till you're ready' stuff, because you know that and you're not stupid. I've tried to think of the random things I wish someone had told me, or things I've other people have told me they wish they'd known.





So, here we go. I apologise now if you can never look me in the eye again.

1 - There's no such actual thing as virginity. Loosing your virginity in terms of a penis entering the vagina is a flawed idea. It doesn't take into account gay sex, alongside a whole lode of other kinds of sex. And anyway, at what point does it count? As soon as the penis enters? Five thrusts? When you both cum? Whether or not you've had a penis in your vagina is objective, but whether or not you are a 'virgin' is something you get to decide.

2 -Whilst we're on the subject - you probably won't bleed the first time you have sex. You might never bleed, or it might be years later. The idea that you bleed comes from the idea that having sex for the first time breaks your hymen, which just isn't true, and anyway, the chances are your hymen is already broken from horse riding, gymnastic or whatever. If you do bleed, it might be that, or it might be because the penetration is deeper or at a different angle to what you've had before, or it might be that you're not aroused enough for your vagina to have lubricated itself. None of these are cause for concern, as long as its only a little bleeding, it doesn't last, and you're not in pain.

3 - If you're turned on enough, sex won't hurt the first time, or any time, unless you have a medical issue such as a tilted uterus. When you're aroused, your vagina lubricates itself and the muscles relax. If it hurts, slow down and go back to foreplay.

4 - Always, always go for a wee after sex, whether you used a condom or not. I know it might break the mood, but going to the toilet cleans everything out, and helps prevent cystitis, which let me tell you is more than a massive mood killer, it's fucking painful.

5 - Keep loo roll or tissue by the bed. Otherwise, you have to do the awkward waddle to the bathroom whilst squeezing your thighs together to try and stop everything running down your legs. Sorry, gravity's fault, not mine.

6 -Blue balls is not a medical condition. If a boy tells you he's so turned on he needs to have sex because his balls hurt, he is full of shit. Tell him to go have a wank, and then leave, because he's manipulating you into having sex.

7 - There is never, ever a time when you have to have sex with someone, or have to carry on having sex with someone. If he's been nice to you, if he's sad, if it's his birthday, if you've started and you changed your mind,  you can say stop. If you say stop and he doesn't, it's rape, even if you wanted to at first.

8 - Please, please don't send nudes. I don't care how much you trust him or how much he loves you, it will bite you in the ass. People steal each other's phones, people get hacked. I know so many people who have been fucked over by this, don't let it be you.

9 - Shaving your pubes is a terrible, terrible idea. Pubic hair regrowth is the seventh circle of hell. Trim with scissors, wax, use hair removal cream if you have to, or just don't - I've never met a man who didn't want to have sex with a girl because she had pubes. Some guys actively like it. Either way, what you do or don't do with your hair is your choice, and if he complains, it's because he's an immature little boy who thinks porn is how sex is in real life.

10 - Porn is not how sex is in real life.

11 - People lie about sex, all the time. They say they have when they haven't, they say they haven't when they have. It doesn't really matter, because other people's sex lives shouldn't affect yours.

12 - Having sex when you don't will make you feel like shit, and it does matter, even if it's your boyfriend. It is not easier just to go along with it for an easy life, because you will lose respect for yourself, and that's worse.

13 - Use your hands as well as your mouth when giving a blow job. It will make everyones life approx. a million years easier.

14 - If a boy won't go down on you but expects you to go down on him, he is a royal twat and you can do better. A man who really loves you will worship your vagina.

15 - Don't leave getting condoms up to him. Yes it's nice for him to sort it, but take responsibility for yourself and be prepared. Condoms are also only 90% effective when being used properly, so I'd recommend using something else if you can (not the withdrawal method, ever. There's plenty of semen in precum).

16 - If you're mature enough to be having sex, you're mature enough to talk about having sex. That means with your partner, with your doctor, and with your parents. It also means you need to be mature about who else you tell - be careful with people who will be careless with information about you, or your partner. Take it from me - your mum would always, always rather you spoke to her about sex than didn't. After the first couple of times, it won't be weird, because your mum is rad.

17 - Talking about sex with your parter is the best way to have better sex. Talk about what you like, and what you don't. Ask him what he likes, and what he doesn't. Everyone is different, and what one person loves, another person might hate.

18 - Your sexual preferences are not static. Just because you used to enjoy something does not mean you have to do it again. You can start liking something you used to not want. This also goes for the people you're attracted to. You can be straight for a while, then gay, then straight again. No-one can decide what you are but you. You also don't get to decide what anyone else is.

19 - The goal of sex is not for the boy to cum. If he does, and you want to carry on, tell him. If he doesn't, he's a moron and you can do better. Also, please don't feel the pressure to cum yourself. A lot of women find it very hard to orgasm through penetrative sex, and a lot of it is psychological - the more pressure you put on yourself to do it, the harder it is, like when you're trying to fall asleep. Don't focus on orgasm, for either of you - focus on giving and receiving pleasure, which can be anything from a hair stroke upwards. Intimacy can be incredible fulfilling without anyone having an orgasm.

20 - Your vagina is not ugly. Whether the lips are inside, out, long, short, etc., your vagina is normal.

21 - At some point, you will queef. This isn't your fault, it's when the penis leaves the vagina further than usual (allowing air to get in). The noise is when the air leaves your vagina, either because the penis re-enters you, or because you moved. You can ignore it, or laugh it off - again, any man who is weird about it clearly knows nothing about sex. Explain it to him with diagrams.

22 - If a someone fingers you with dirty fingernails, the chances are you will get an infection. Hygiene is important before, and after sex.

23 - Be careful not to criticise girls for things you wouldn't criticise a boy for. Don't call someone a slut, or frigid. When you put one girl down for what she does or doesn't do sexually, you put us all down, because you're saying that her sexuality has a bearing on how worthwhile she is as a person. This is not true. Someone can have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, and be a wonderful, kind, intelligent person. (Sometimes without realising it) Boys call girls sluts to put us down and to make us feel like we can't do the things they can. Don't be complicit in that.

24 - If a boy does anything you don't like, it's not sexy, it's abuse. If you want to have a BDSM relationship, that's cool, but be aware that that's not what 50 Shades of Grey is. If you use a safe word, and he doesn't stop, it's rape. If he sells your car without telling you, it's not romantic, it's controlling. You're intelligent - please see that just because you give a scene in a film a good sound track, it's not necessarily a romantic or desirable relationship.

25 - Sorry, I know I wouldn't say it, but - please just don't do anything until you're ready. You have the whole of your life, and I do believe it's better when it's with someone you love, who loves you back.

I love you lots xxx











Thursday, 10 April 2014

Pep Talk Thursday of Things I Love 10/04/14



Mother fucking pep talk. I had an interview for my LAMDA MA in Theatre Directing today, and to cut a long story short I felt really not great about the whole thing, but I make myself go anyway, and then missed my train by a mother fucking second.  I've been feeling really crappy about a whole bunch of things recently, I think because everything in my (and most of my friends, to be fair) life is really uncertain at the moment, and I don't deal very well with not being in control. It's fucking overwhelming, you know? It's scary. So I rang my mum and had a good cry, and now I'm trying to make myself level-up and deal with it, because no-one likes being a little bitch. Life is so beautiful, and there are so many beautiful people in my life and everything is all right, really, deep down. So I'm giving myself a metaphorical slap in the face, and I'm not going to let myself be negative any more. No complaining, no worrying, no bitching, no tummy sadness. This is obviously easier said than done, but I also kind of thing that just deciding is half the battle.

I'm a self sufficient, brave ass motherfucking wolf.

So. Here's a list of the stuff I've been grateful for. The 100 Happy Days thing that's been going round has been really nice, and I was going to do it, but I forgot after the first day. However self indulgent it may be, writing these lists every now and then really does help me to keep some perspective on my life and how happy I actually ought to be about everything. Thus:

♥ Lebanese food with great people ♥ Referring to my dissertation as 'The Big D' ♥ Luke Barton's face ♥ Hair braids and dresses with flowers This song ♥ Being confided in ♥ Ostentatious compliments ♥ Having a house full of flowers and chocolate ♥ My fucking family ♥ Going for coffee in The Everyman ♥ Always, always planning the next project ♥ Being complimented on my acting (I hardly ever act any more so this is nice) ♥ Unexpected kisses on the cheek ♥ Chris Worrall's visit, hugs and bacon ♥ Impromptu sleepovers ♥ Cutting loose, being brave ♥ Planning a solo trip to Dublin ♥ Frozen ♥ Buying new underwear ♥ Intense font debates ♥ Also reppin' my Celtic roots with this song ♥ Hanging out outdoors ♥ Spending silly amounts of money on treats and toys for Martha ♥ All my beautiful, loving, kind, wonderful friends, who are always always there when I need them ♥ Being comforted by pie ♥ Having my hair stroked, standard ♥ Getting excited to be in the wild ♥ Coveting approx. a million books which I WILL read after May ♥ Isis wings ♥ Forcing myself to be brave, and finding it easier than expected every time ♥ Beards. ♥ Beards. ♥ Badass female wrestlers ♥ Readying myself to be more active again after uni finishes ♥ Not wearing make up, not caring ♥ Trying really hard to be a good friend ♥ WRESTLEMANIA ♥ Letting. Shit. Go ♥ Knitting for the first time in a billion years ♥ Smelly body butter ♥ 

Keep going kids x

Creative Venture #35



Either you yourself are mad, or the world must be
And bodies are just gloves for our lovely lovely fingers
Skin tight, thick, impenetrable,
And so I take it into me.
It is strange to me, every time you look at my awkward, too tall form
Putting my glove inside your glove inside my glove inside your glove
Till we're a Mickey Mouse ham fist of fingers.

The seasons come and I keep my soul
Which I may or may not believe in.
Keep yours. It wouldn't fit me.
And I will shine and I will be counted
One in one, every time.
The beast incarnate in my flower pots.

Creative Venture #34

I'm fairly sure that this comes under the header of really badly written, teenage angst, incredibly self indulgent poetry that should never be shared with the world, but I just found it on a scrap of paper and hell it's my blog I'll post whatever morbid self indulgent shit I like.


I don't remember the last time I felt so empty.
So cut and bruised.
Bruised joints, so it hurts every time I move
I feel all used up, empty, cut
Lungs filling with water
Yet I can't help but laugh - heavy eyelids -
At the absurdity of synchronisity
That it ever was and is now gone
Was all of that before pretend?
My tongue is lead and my hands are shaking
And I shudder with every breath I'm taking
As an empty open giant hand grips inside my chest
It's for the best.
Smile on. Stand up straight. Twenty hours to compose the
Face the Voice the Laugh the Smile
The eyes - mustn't forget the eyes -
Wash them, scrape them out with bleach
Poppady ping smile on, calm leader, mustn't falter mustn't fall
Relax your forehead - oscar winning really -
Fuck you and everything you are. I hate you.
I need to hate you. Please let me hate you.

Funny how the body keeps going.
Blood flowing, brain knowing, toes toeing
Lungs pumping eyes blinking heart sinking
Boom bom, boom bom, no buffer or breather
Just always the breathing.
I want to shut off please. Can feel myself dying.

Can feel my cells dying, failing around me. I can feel myself dying if I sit too still.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Things I love (Sunday) - 23/03/14



♥ Feeling super beloved by friends ♥ Creative support ♥ Squirrels ♥ Being proactive about my health ♥ Sick poster designs ♥ Safe tummy feelings ♥ My sister ♥ PUPPETS ♥ Democracy, see also: Great SRO election results ♥ Sleepy snoozy Sundays ♥ Wearing little secret plaits in my hair ♥ LUDS, making me the proudest LUDS-momma of all time ♥ Starting to feel really at home in the new Everyman ♥ Super loud rain ♥ Hair stroking (basically every week, sorry not sorry) ♥ Hanging out with my Mum ♥ Getting playlists made for you ♥ GREAT smelling candles ♥ My fucking tireless cast and crew ♥ Proper kisses, held tight ♥ Amazing restaurant service ♥ Taking no shit ♥ My new Isis wings ♥ Singing Disney songs in the shower ♥ Free coffee ♥ Harold and Maude ♥ Jelly ♥ SUNSHINE ♥ Big floppy hats ♥ Big soft wall hangings from Camden ♥ Having someone hold your hand when you get scared. In other news, stress hugs and having minstrels thrust upon you ♥ Getting my back got ♥ Cr-afternoons ♥ Being HILARIOUS on snapchat ♥ Reliving The Tribe ♥ Appreciative actors ♥ Learning new stuff ♥ Dancing and laughing and BEING with the sunshine ♥ 

and this song


Saturday, 8 March 2014

Things I love (Saturday) 8/3/14



♥ The Lion King 2 soundtrack as dissertation work music ♥ Free Freddos ♥ Planning far too far ahead and far too ambitiously ♥ Canterbury Tales ♥ Rudolph Laban ♥ FEELING SUNSHINE ON MY FACE  Library cuddles ♥ Hearing the music for Canterbury Tales for the first time! ♥ Meave Sullivan ♥ Hobby horses! ♥ Seedy seedy breakfast smoothies ♥ Hair stroking yes please ♥ Ludovico Einaudi ♥ Watching the word count grow ♥ People with accents ♥ Men in suits ♥ Somewhat premature sunglasses wearing ♥ Chinese street theatre  Sleep smiles ♥ Getting to play with really, really old manuscripts for photoshoots ♥ New knickers ♥ Gear's beard ♥ Booking approx. a million play tickets ♥ GETTING TO SEE THE OPENING NIGHT OF THE EVERYMAN'S TWELFTH NIGHT TONIGHT OH GOD ♥ Everything smells of vanilla ♥ Sparkly unicorn diary ♥ Really, really helpful librarians ♥ Sleeping naked ♥ The Pillowman being absolutely incredible♥ Adding to the 'things I will read after my dissertation' pile ♥ Stretching ♥ Amazing costumes ♥ Did I mention THE CANTERBURY TALES?!?!?! ♥ Crushing on Disney characters ♥ Raging tog success ♥ Secret poems ♥ The Everyman opening parade. I cried ♥ People who go out of their way to help you ♥ Breezy breezy breezes ♥ Kissing with fingers and eyes and knees  Pale skin on white sheets  Planning new routines  Being able to properly talk about things  Feeling really, really welcome   Looking forward to Momma Matchett's visit  Being confided in  Hiding inside people's chests, being held really tightly ♥ The t-shirt with Martha's face on it  Unsolicited compliments  Networking to the max ♥ All the bright red lipstick 

I hope you're feeling happy and if not find me and I'll hug you so hard some of mine osmosis's into you.

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Things I love (Saturday) 01/03/14

I haven't done of these in eighteen months, so it's probably time... Here's a list of stuff that's making me happy at the moment.



♥Wearing ostentatious sparkles all over my face ♥ DaDa ♥ Martha, forever and always ♥ Kick ass rehearsals where you can literally FEEL the show improving ♥ finding Martin ♥ Special mention: Georgia Matchett ♥ Curry gone wrong ♥ Planning new burlesque acts Carbon Leaf ♥ That the sunshine is finally here! ♥ Summer plans ♥ Understanding emails ♥ Speakeasy ♥ James Joyce, till I die ♥ People who's talent and creativity and enthusiasm literally hurts my heart ♥ My family, who win at family every day ♥ YEP ♥ Brave brave people, Katie Watkinson I'm looking at you ♥ Getting my hands on all the new writing ♥ All the spooning ♥ Feeling almost, almost at peace with life after graduation ♥ Liverpool. Just Liverpool ♥ Old friends who make the effort to stay close ♥ FINALLY paying off my Edinburgh debts ♥ The Performing Arts Ball! ♥ Hands around your face when you're being kissed ♥ Really fucking exciting theatre ♥ Quality alone time with the ukulele ♥ Unexpected compliments This advert ♥ Making new friends ♥ Getting to work with really, really nice people ♥ Being approached about very exciting new projects ♥ When Beej turns up in Liverpool when I'm not expecting her ♥ Seeing friends being happier than they've been in ages ♥ All the raspberry body butter Chvrches ♥ Writing comedy sketches I didn't feel were awful ♥ Hair stroking, all day err' day ♥ Megan Bell ♥ Spooning in bed, spooning on the sofa, spooning in the bar, spooning in the library ♥ Martin taking me to the secret and most beautiful part of the library ♥ Having decent length nails for a change ♥ Not feeling the need to wear make up every day ♥ What about ALIENS?! ♥ LUDS, always ♥ No judgement corner shop ♥ Phone calls from school friends: see also, offers for free cosmetic surgery The National ♥ Learning new skills ♥ The opening of the new Everyman!!! ♥ Counting down the days to seeing WWE (I paid to see Daniel Bryan) ♥ Too too many coffee breaks ♥ Singing, loud ♥ Puppets puppets puppets ♥ 

I could go on, because life is the best. I'm gna try do this more regularly again, someone remind me!
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