This is not in any way how the train I was on today looked as it trundled through Warrington Central, this is somewhat nicer. I get a lot of trains, and, as often as not, I get the train too early in the morning, a little hungover (oh you devil) and bloody grumpy. Today was an optimum example of this, and my levels of intolerance are poor at the best of times. On the train is one of those places where people's true colours come out, the dark underbellies of respectable folk who would (I'm sure) normally be bloody lovely. Why do people think it's ok to behave this way?
The Seat Hogger - Don't get me wrong, I like a nice double as much as the next person. Infact, I'm rather partial to a table if there's one free (just so you know.) But seriously bitch - move your bag. There are no more seats, except possibly for the sliver of chair next to the obese woman or the space next to the guy who didn't shower. I appreciate that your bag is Mulberry, truly I do, but if you don't move it and let me sit down, I will berry your mull. Think about it.
Mr No-Respect-For-My-Personal-Space - Conversely, we then have the guy who insists on sitting next to you, despite the fact that the whole friggin coach is free. Get away. I want to sprawl, and to pull faces at my reflection in the window, and you are spoiling it. There is a sub-breed of this type, who may be sitting next to you out of necessity, but like... touches you. I can deal with a cordial knee-lean, maybe even the inevitable elbow rub. But this guy is rubbing up against me like a poodle on heat. No. Another point worthy of note is that this charateristic is often comorbid with The Kindle Bitch or Your-Eating-Annoys-Me.
11am Beer Guy - You wouldn't crack open a tinnie after dropping the kids off at school would you? I dunno, mabe you would. I get it, you're on the train, it's almost a holiday. Or it's on expenses. But that does not make it OK to start drinking before noon. Especially if you're on your own.
The Kindle Bitch - You have a Kindle/notebook/i-pad, I'm pleased for you. Now stop shoving it under my nostrils. Worst of all are the people who look like they should be in intensive care they've got so many wires sticking out of them - you cannot listen to your i-pod and bluetooth headset at the same time. You just can't. What really annoys me about these people is how official they try to look. It's like when people first got Blackberrys to 'check their work e-mail'. I know you're reading Dan Brown, your kindle does not make you intellectual. Stop looking down on my Cosmo.
Your-Eating-Annoys-Me - My intolerance of this type stems largely from the fact that I can never be bothered to make myself a sandwich in advance. Then some guy pulls up infront of me, whips out his uber-baguette and begins to eat it really annoyingly. He spits it everywhere. Or he chews too loud. Or he gets butter on the seat. Actively watching anyone eat is infuriating, on a train there's very little to distract you.
Mrs Lets Be Friendssssss - There are some necessary exchanges - 'Excuse me' for example. 'What's the next stop please?'. But I do not, ever, want to strike up a lengthy conversation about your son's girlfriend and how you just don't think they're ready to get a dog yet and you suggested a hamster as a compromise but she says she's allergic to hamsters but how can she be allergic to hamsters and not dogs. I don't care. Leave me alone.
Are these folk familiar to people other than me, or am I really just a rail-scrooge?!